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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28227687">keep time on me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuubism/pseuds/cuubism'>cuubism</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Music Theory [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shadowhunters (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Dementia, Devotion, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Immortality Issues (Shadowhunter Chronicles), M/M, Mental Health Issues, Slow Dancing, Sort Of, Temporary Amnesia, and temporary, of a kind - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 15:55:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,754</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28227687</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuubism/pseuds/cuubism</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Magnus's years catch up to him sometimes. </p><p>Bingo Square: Long Distance</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Music Theory [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2097555</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>174</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>keep time on me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Magnus had been staring into space for the last three hours. Alec kept glancing up at him, wondering if he’d go back to whatever he’d been working on, wondering if he was okay, but nothing changed. He didn’t look <em>upset</em>, per se. Just distant.</p><p>Alec made his way into the apothecary, crouched by Magnus’s chair and rested a hand on his knee, carefully, so as not to startle him.</p><p>“Hey.”</p><p>The apothecary was deathly quiet, so Alec kept his voice low too, not wanting to disturb the air.</p><p>“Hey. Magnus.”</p><p>Magnus blinked and shook himself. His hand dropped instinctively to cover Alec’s.</p><p>“Oh. Hello, darling.” His voice was sort of… faint. He took in the concern in Alec’s expression. “Is something wrong?”</p><p>“I don’t know, is there?”</p><p>Magnus frowned. “Why would there be?”</p><p>Alec turned his hand over to twine his fingers with Magnus’s. “You’ve been in here for hours and you’ve barely moved.”</p><p>Magnus smiled, but there was no life in it. “Just thinking, I suppose.”</p><p>Alec tugged at his hand until Magnus looked at him properly. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”</p><p>“Of course, dear. There’s nothing to talk about. I’m just having a bit of an off day.”</p><p>This felt like more than just an off day, but Alec couldn’t pinpoint how. Magnus didn’t seem ill, or even particularly upset. Just sort of… hazy. Like the lines between him and the world were blurring.</p><p>Alec leaned in to kiss him, very gently. “Why don’t you come to bed with me? It’s getting late.”</p><p>Magnus frowned. “It’s only six.”</p><p>“It’s ten p.m.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>Alec tugged at his hands. “Come on. Let’s go to bed.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not just an off day.”</p><p>Sleep had almost claimed Alec when Magnus finally spoke. He was lying on his side, facing away from Alec, arms tucked in against his chest.</p><p>Alec laid a hand on his shoulder. “It’s not?”</p><p>“No. Periodically I—” he took a shuddering breath. “I lose track of time.”</p><p>“Because you’re immortal?”</p><p>Magnus nodded. “We are… <em>unmoored </em>from time, you could say. We experience so much of it, and without ever really <em>aging</em>, that time sort of… starts to lose its meaning, its relevance, gets all jumbled up into one big mess that’s just <em>the past</em>.”</p><p>“And that’s what’s happening to you now?”</p><p>Magnus nodded again, and Alec tugged on his shoulder until Magnus finally turned to look at him. His gaze was sad, his glamor down.</p><p>“I get messed up,” he admitted, “between… today and yesterday, this year and last century. It’s just all—” he waved a vague hand—<em>“there</em>. All at once.”</p><p>Alec rubbed a hand up and down his arm. “How long does it last?”</p><p>“A few days. A week, sometimes. Not long. But long enough to”—he let out a wavering sigh—“throw me off my axis.”</p><p>His eyes were looking sort of watery now, so Alec pulled him into his arms, let Magnus tuck his face in the crook of his neck. Magnus’s breath was hot against his skin, and Alec held him tight, as if that alone could anchor Magnus to this moment.</p><p>“Magic doesn’t help?” he asked.</p><p>“Magic makes it <em>worse</em>,” Magnus said. “It already alters my connection to the natural world. Makes me more a part of <em>everything </em>and less a part of <em>myself</em>. And the thing is, while we as— as— <em>beings</em> with—<em>consciousness </em>or what have you, may <em>experience </em>it that way, time is not, in fact, <em>linear</em>, it is in fact—” he shifted away from Alec so he could talk with his hands as he sometimes did, and waved one around in a scribbly sort of motion— “like <em>this</em>, and because I have magic sometimes <em>I </em>can experience it that way, but this is not very compatible with the mind of a normal three-dimensional being, Alexander!”</p><p>He was breathing heavily by the end of this, hand still raised as if to make another point, but all out of steam.</p><p>Alec pushed himself upright and sat back against the headboard, tugging Magnus up to sit beside him and wrapping an arm around his torso.</p><p>“Alright, so no magic then.”</p><p>Magnus sighed and collapsed against him, leaning his head on Alec’s shoulder. “It’s too late for that. It’s a part of me.”</p><p>“Okay. I know.” Alec tried to think. “Let’s just stay home, then? Will that help? Just stay in one place and ride it out?”</p><p>Magnus frowned. “Perhaps. I’ve already cancelled all my engagements for the next week. It’s worth a try.”</p><p>“Then that’s what we’re gonna do.”</p><p>“You don’t have to—”</p><p>“Yes. I do.”</p><p>Magnus gave up protesting, leaning in closer to Alec. “Very well. I only hope I don’t frighten you with my forgetfulness.”</p><p> </p><p>The next week passed fairly normally, as far as Alec could tell. They didn’t do much, just lounged around the house. Alec caught Magnus in similar distant spells a few times, but it never really seemed to advance further than that. Magnus even said as much, late one night, admitted that this time seemed to be going much more smoothly than normal.</p><p>So when, a week later, Magnus said he was going to London for a conference, Alec couldn’t think of much to justify the unease he still felt at the idea of letting Magnus out of his sight.</p><p>“Call me if you don’t feel well?” he implored, pressing a kiss to Magnus’s forehead.</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>And then he was off through a portal, and Alec could only hope that everything was truly as back to normal as Magnus seemed to think it was.</p><p> </p><p>His phone rang the next evening.</p><p>“Magnus? Are you okay?”</p><p>It took a moment for Magnus’s voice to come over the line. When it did, it was shaky. “What, a man can’t just want to hear his husband’s voice?”</p><p>
  <em>“Magnus.” </em>
</p><p>Magnus let out a long, trembling sigh. “Very well. I may not be feeling… <em>perfectly </em>alright.”</p><p>Alec stood up and started to pace. “What happened?”</p><p>“I was trying to get back to the hotel, but I got lost—well, not <em>lost</em>, I know London like the back of my hand, but this isn’t where I <em>meant </em>to go—” he heaved in another breath— “I— I don’t know what came over me.”  </p><p>“Are you okay?” Alec asked, recalling what they’d discussed that first night. “Do— do you know where you are?”</p><p>“Yes, I just don’t—” he cut off, and for a moment Alec thought the call might have dropped, but then Magnus continued quietly— “know… <em>when</em>— oh, London was a mistake, there’s too many memories, I can’t—”</p><p>Alec could practically hear him spiraling. “Magnus, breathe. It’s okay.”</p><p>“Is it?” He sounded like he was hyperventilating. “How could it be—”</p><p>“Listen, it doesn’t matter when, okay?”</p><p>Magnus stopped panting for a second out of shock. “What?”</p><p>“It doesn’t matter <em>when </em>you are. Figure it out later. You know <em>where </em>you are. Are you somewhere safe?”</p><p>“I—” Alec pictured Magnus looking around, “yes, it’s my apartment building. My old apartment building. I still keep a flat here. Kept. <em>Fuck</em>, I don’t know. I’m sitting in the stairwell.”</p><p>“Okay, good, just stay there and try to breathe.”</p><p>“I’m trying.”</p><p>“Do you think…” Alec tried, already guessing the answer, “do you think you can portal home?”</p><p>There was a long silence on the other end of the line. “I’m not sure I know where home is,” Magnus said quietly.</p><p>Alec let out a long breath, grip tightening on the phone. “Okay. That’s okay. Can you ask a friend to portal you? You were at an event with a bunch of warlocks, right?”</p><p>“Right. Yes. Of course. Um, I can try Tessa— no, wait, she’s at the Labyrinth now, um— there’s Ragnor— no, <em>fuck</em>—”</p><p>“It’s okay, forget that, bad idea, um—I’ll figure something else out.” Alec pulled a blank sheet of paper off of Magnus’s desk and scrawled a note to Catarina, sending it off into flames with a quick scribble of his stele.</p><p>“Magnus, you still there?” he asked when he was done.</p><p>No response.</p><p>Alec’s heart jumped into his throat. <em>“Magnus?” </em></p><p>Finally Magnus’s voice came tremulously over the line. “I’m sorry, darling, I—” his voice broke— “I think I lost track of who you were for a moment.”</p><p>Alec tried not to let the pain of that embed itself in his heart. It wasn’t <em>Magnus’s </em>fault.</p><p>And it wasn’t total memory loss, at least, or so Magnus had said. Magnus wouldn’t forget who Alec—or anyone else—<em>was</em>, he would just—lose track of him amongst his millions and millions of memories. Lose the <em>context </em>of him. And with Alec occupying a comparatively small portion of his life, these lapses were only inevitable.</p><p>It still hurt, though.</p><p>“Okay, that’s okay, just—”</p><p>“How is <em>that </em>okay?” Magnus demanded. “How is that <em>at all okay?</em>”</p><p>“It has to be. Right now I just want to make sure you’re safe, okay?”</p><p>Magnus sighed. “Okay.”</p><p>Alec waited, hoping his fire message to Cat—<em>I need a portal to Magnus’s old flat in London asap, please</em>—was specific and urgent enough for her to be able to help him.</p><p>A portal opened in front of him as a fire message flew through the air into his hand. Alec read it quickly:</p><p>
  <em>Get him back safely, please. </em>
</p><p>“Just stay where you are. I’m coming to get you.”</p><p> </p><p>The portal deposited him outside a nondescript black door on a narrow London street. Alec hoped Magnus’s memory of where he’d once lived was as accurate as Cat’s.</p><p>He eased open the door and stepped into the stairwell. He spotted Magnus immediately, hunched halfway up the stairs with his face buried in his knees, hands gripping his hair.</p><p>“Magnus?”</p><p>Magnus jolted upright and stared at him. Tears glimmered on his cheeks. “A— Alexander?”</p><p>The relief that coursed through Alec at Magnus’s recognition almost knocked him off his feet. He rushed towards him, crouching on the step below him and taking his hands.</p><p>“Hey. It’s me. Are you okay?”</p><p>Magnus nodded, though tears were still dripping from his face. “I— yes, I’m okay now. I’m sorry for dragging you out here.”</p><p>“Don’t do that. Come here.” Alec wrapped a hand around the back of Magnus’s neck and pulled him in to his chest, holding him tight. Magnus sank against him, tucking his face into the crook of Alec’s neck.</p><p>“Do you know… <em>when </em>you are now? Is it any better?”</p><p>“A little bit,” Magnus said. And then admitted, “You help.”</p><p>“I’m not—what, too modern or something?”</p><p>“Modern is good, in this case. But no, it’s not really that. You simply—ground me, my love. You’re steady. I need that.”</p><p>Alec held him a little tighter, heart squeezing at his words. “Good. I’m glad. Just hold onto me, okay?”</p><p>Magnus nodded, clutching at Alec’s shirt.</p><p>“If you make the portal and I navigate, do you think we can make it home?”</p><p>Magnus nodded again, but said, “You <em>do </em>have to navigate, however. If <em>I </em>try to tell it to go home, there’s no saying where we’ll end up. Lord knows the portal would just try to take me to <em>you</em>, but with you <em>in </em>the portal with me, we’d end up in an endless feedback loop and never get out.”</p><p>Alec knew what Magnus was saying about portal magic was important, but he was still kind of stuck on, <em>If I tell it to go home, it’ll take me to you. </em>He wondered if Magnus knew what it did to him to hear him say things like that, buried though they were in his ramblings about magical theory.</p><p>“Alright, I’ll navigate, then,” he said, standing and pulling Magnus to his feet beside him. He released him so he could make a portal, but kept hold of one of his hands.</p><p>Magnus spun the portal open. His hand was shaking, but the magic itself looked steady enough. Alec squeezed his hand once, looked to him to make sure he was ready, and lead him through.</p><p> </p><p>Once in the living room, Magnus pressed tight to Alec again. He was shaking, tears returning to his eyes, breath coming quick and ragged.</p><p>Alec held him close, running a soothing hand up and down his back. “Easy, you’re okay now. Shhh, you’re okay.”</p><p>Magnus took Alec's face between trembling hands. “I— I forgot you, I almost—”</p><p>Alec held him tighter, spinning him slowly in place. “It was just a spell, it would have passed—”</p><p>Magnus shook his head. “How can you love someone who could lose track of you so easily?”</p><p>“Hey. It’s not about that. It wasn’t your fault, it was just a hard day, okay? I love you.”</p><p>Magnus was quiet for a long moment. “I could— I heard your voice over the line, I knew how important you were to me, I could <em>feel </em>it, I wanted to know <em>you</em>, too—but I just— I felt so <em>muddled</em>, I—” his voice caught over the words—“when I remembered and realized I’d forgotten you, I was so frightened.” He swallowed harshly. “I’m going to— to— invent a potion, or something. I can’t take this anymore. I don’t want to feel like that again.”</p><p>Alec pressed a kiss into his hair, and Magnus sighed, quieting, tucking his face in against Alec's chest.</p><p>“Do you want to go to bed?” Alec asked. “It’s late.”</p><p>“I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep.”</p><p>“Then stay up with me.” Alec rocked Magnus back and forth, just gently. “What helps you when you feel like this?”</p><p>Magnus thought about it, and said quietly. “Music. It forces me to experience time as it happens. Instead of all… jumbled up.”</p><p>“Let’s put on some music, then.”</p><p>Magnus looked back up at him, smiling faintly. “You always make things so easy on me.”</p><p>“I want to.”</p><p>“And I appreciate that, but I don’t want that to make things <em>hard </em>on <em>you</em>.”</p><p>“You’re not.” Alec ran a hand through Magnus’s hair, dragging it down to cradle his face. “It’s harder on me <em>not </em>to do anything, because I hate seeing you upset.”</p><p>Magnus softened, pressing a hand to Alec’s chest. “You’re too good to me.”</p><p>“There’s no such thing. Put on some music. If it helps you.”</p><p>Magnus snapped his fingers and a record started turning, gentle blues drifting through the living room. Magnus sighed as he heard it, the steady beat, the easy tempo of it.</p><p>“Dance with me?” Alec asked, holding out a hand for Magnus to take. “And look, I know I have <em>no </em>rhythm, but just follow me anyway, yeah?”</p><p>Magnus took Alec’s hand. “You give yourself too little credit, darling.”</p><p>“Are you saying I <em>do </em>have rhythm?”</p><p>“No, you don’t.” Before Alec could protest, Magnus continued, smiling, “But I like dancing with you anyway. Especially when you lead. Like I said before, you steady me. I have… a bit <em>too much </em>rhythm at times. It needs some balance.”</p><p>Alec laughed, and started to turn Magnus in a slow circle, attempting to follow the beat of the music. “So I keep you on your toes.”</p><p>Magnus followed his steps carefully, matching Alec’s rhythm. “You remind me what it’s like to be learning. To be experiencing something new. Especially when I’m getting lost in my head, in everything I’ve <em>already </em>experienced.”</p><p>Alec broke their slow circle to lean in to kiss him, and Magnus smiled.</p><p>“Just like that,” he said, kissing Alec back.</p><p>“You know…” Alec started hesitantly, after they’d danced for another moment. “When we first started dating, I was worried there was too much distance between us. Too much… time.”</p><p>“I remember. You weren’t the only one.”</p><p>“I was thinking about that today. I thought I might...” he bit his lip “...lose you to it.”</p><p>Magnus watched him, evaluative. “And do you still think you will?”</p><p>Alec let out a long breath. “Maybe?” When Magnus started to shift away, he tightened his grip on him and pulled him back in. “But—it doesn’t matter. Because wherever all that time takes you…” he shrugged helplessly “…I’ll just follow.”</p><p>Magnus tried to pull away again, shaking his head. “Alexander—”</p><p>“Don’t. Please. You can’t change my mind. So just—keep dancing with me, okay?”</p><p>Magnus fell back into step with him, but he was looking up at Alec now, watching him with this sort of… wonder. And sadness. Like he couldn’t decide which.</p><p>“Okay,” he said finally, pressing close to Alec’s chest, holding tight to his hand. “Don’t turn off the music.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>title from <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6rVJYmQFiY&amp;ab_channel=FleetFoxes">"if you need to, keep time on me" by fleet foxes</a></p><p><a href="https://cuubism.tumblr.com">tumblr</a> :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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